Last night, while making quite the entrance at Homegoods (I knocked a pan over), my mom called to tell me she couldn’t sleep because of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Having not seen the episode yet, I told her to walk me through what happened. What follows is a direct transcript of our conversation:
Mom begins: “Yolanda is a lowlife.
First of all, the fact that she and Lisa are even in cahoots with Brandi – forget that new woman, the witch one, she’s a one-note pony. But Lisa, such a lady of all people, to be in the camp with Brandi who is… wait til you see today, you’re gonna throw up. She’s just despicable.
Now the new girl, the one that looks like that Miss America, from Puerto Rico. She’s very very sweet, a gorgeous girl, but literally dumb as shit. So to gang up on her, and you’ll see what I mean, you’re gonna hate it.
Yolanda is a pig. And I’m telling Daddy – what does she have that she married these two wealthy men? I don’t get it. Mazel. MAH. ZEL. Because she is dumb as fuckin shit. I’m sorry.
Me: Well so what happened?
Mom: That Miss Puerto Rico or whatever, she invited them to Palm Beach (Ed.: Springs, but close) at a very nice property for the weekend. So it’s different houses on the property. It was built in 1929, what do I know?
So Kyle, Kim and this Miss America get there first, and they take the main house, of course, with all the nice rooms in there. They probably filmed it in the summer, it’s gotta be 120 degrees. So now they have to walk to the other rooms, like it’s not next door, it’s a little hard to walk among the paths there to the other houses in the heat. So I think that Brandi and this British witch is in one room, and then Lisa and Yolanda in the other.
So then this Puerto Rican girl hosted a dinner. Her name is Joyce. Throughout the whole time, stupid Brandi is calling her Jacquelyn. To the point where it’s just already, you know, past good taste. When it’s just obnoxious and disgusting. And what’s the point of that? It’s not intelligent. And of course, that Yolanda and Lisa, they laughed! Because they think that this Brandi, the whore, is funny, they laugh. I see the hurt on that girl, I see it.
And also, they’re sitting around the pool, and of course Brandi with that witch, they go in, and eventually Yolanda went in, and they’re coaxing Joyce to come in. “Come in! Come in!” And eventually, Brandi goes “Oh, you know Black people don’t like water.”
What are you fucking crazy? Who talks like that? Imagine if that would have been directed to this trio? They would have been chewing her alive. Just nasty.
So when they came to the table for the dinner, which was gorgeous, Yolanda goes to Joyce “So where should we sit?” and she says, “You know, anywhere you like.” Yolanda goes, “Well YOU’RE the hostess, where are we sitting?!” she says “Anywhere you like!” I’m telling Mel (Dad), “What is with this Yolanda, she lost her mind?” There are only 6 girls – anywhere you like! It’s not like a dinner for a hundred. I have to tell you, it really riled me up.
And I said it to Daddy already, it’s the group of Lisa with Brandi and Yolanda, and obviously the witch is with them, and then this new girl who is really dumb as shit, gorgeous, gorgeous girl, and Kyle and Kyle’s sister and that’s basically it. (Ed.: Yes, she just rattled off the entire cast.)
In the middle of the dinner while there is a whole conversation between Yolanda and Kyle about shit that happened I don’t even know when. And Brandi is telling to Yolanda, “Oh, can you take my weave out?” while the hostess was talking. In the meantime, Yolanda, “the lady,” starts to fish around in that scuzzy hair of Brandi trying to unclip her weave. That? At the dinner table? You’re such a lady? I spit in your face.
I got, I got, my kishkes are up by my throat. I’m not gonna lie to you. And Kyle! Kyle… She doesn’t bother me. I always say that to you. And even Kim. Kim is like a luft. Kind of a luft – a butterfly. I mean, even the relationship with the children, it’s almost like she is a child herself. So you know, I feel a little bit pity. You have to see how Lisa dismisses her. In the most disrespectful, despicable way. And Lisa, I tell Daddy, Lisa, the most intelligent one there, why are you behaving like that in front of Brandi, the courve.
Wait til you see how the show starts. Brandi’s writing another sex book, so she’s bringing her scuzzy girlfriends, you know not these ladies, some other scuzzy girlfriends, to find out what kind of sex situations they like. I mean the woman is disgusting, I mean seriously.