Hello America. You may remember all the way back to a whole two months ago when I was the Managing Editor of VH1’s Best Week Ever blog. Back then, in the distant past, I would call up my dear mother Judy and secretly transcribe her musings on whatever Real Housewives of You Name It episode had aired the evening beforehand. I would then, without her knowledge or permission, post these brilliant recaps on the blog, and then exit the MTV building hoisted on the shoulders of various executives. It was an exciting time for everyone.
But since taking a new job as a producer and “civilian panelist” on the new Kathy Griffin talk show Kathy on Bravo (airing Thursday night’s at 10!), I haven’t had the time or medium to get my mother’s precious recaps to you, the bored in your cubicle or wherever you pretend to work public.
Given the absolute hilarity of last night’s The Real Housewives of New York premiere, I just knew I had to call up Mom and see what she had to say about it, specifically the three new cast members, Carole Radziwill, Aviva Drescher, and the founder of Yummie Tummie and possible Rocko’s Modern Life bit player, Heather Thomson.
You’ve waited for it, and here it is: My Mother’s Recap Of The Real Housewives of New York.
Judy: Let me tell you: LuAnn is still a shit stirrer, just like she did all along. Why did she have to gossip about the maniac, googly eyes, what’s her name? (*long pause*) Mario’s wife, what’s her name? (*silence*) The one the pinot grigio. Hello?? What’s her name?
Judy: Ramona — Why did LuAnn have to malign her to new people that don’t know her? You know that, that I hate. One thing I have to say is that her daughter is a very talented artist. I was in shock. I wouldn’t mind having it myself.
I told Daddy about Carole Radziwill. She was married, well, not to a Kennedy, but to Jacqueline Onassis’ nephew. I find her to be intelligent, but she looks a little mousy. She has the face of a chipmunk a little, bit but i feel bad for her. Her husband died of cancer, so let’s only say nice things. Even though the one-legged one, she said at the party “Oh, I read your book.. but do I really have to come to a cocktail party and rehash her sad past?” And she’s right. These women are a little stupid.
On That Third Leg:
Well that third leg. I had to look away from the screen, cause I couldn’t believe she had them paint her toenails. With the name Aviva, first I thought she was Israeli. For sure that other one shtooped her husband. Goes without saying. Because she shtooped half of New York.
The third leg, I mean seriously. I feel sad. It’s just sad that it happened to her. And she’s such a stunning girl. But to bring a leg to… I dont know, I never saw anything like this! She just yanked out the leg right out of that bag. And poor Sonja wants to know what’s in there? A saxophone? A pool cue? And then she pulled a leg out of it. Oh, and she has a suntanned leg and a white leg. Haha I couldn’t believe it! “This is the suntanned leg.” And the woman had to put polish on the fake leg. Literally, I thought I was gonna throw up. I mean, such a stunning girl. It just was a little bit disgusting. But you know, like my mother said, “When you look at someone, you don’t know what pekele they’re carrying.” Pekele is a package in Yiddish. It means “Don’t be jealous.” Lots of money, gorgeous house, and this and that, cause you never know what lies behind those walls. And she’s right. Here is a great example. I mean when she yanked that leg out, I was in shock.
But Luann bothered me. I don’t miss any of the old housewives. Do you miss Jill? I’m glad I don’t have to see her ugly face anymore. And Sonja is the same. She’s a courve. That should be the show, The Real Courves of New York. She’d be the head courve. She must have screwed every husband who was in the room. But she looks good. Luann is such a beautiful girl, she’s gorgeous, you just have to watch for people like that.
And What Did You Think About Heather?
Oyyyy I mean I totally forgot about her. You know what, she’s a little bit annoying. Very annoying. And the fact that she’s not pretty AND annoying, I’m sorry, you know, know your place. That was very funny when Mario cut her off. I love Mario. That was funny, I’m sorry. You know, leave it to Mario. They don’t give a shit.
Is This The 1950s?
Uch and Ramona talking about “You’re a businesswoman AND a mother!” Whoopdeedoo, there are millions like you. They talk like this is 1950. And they’re business women and mothers! In 1950 it would be like “Oh!” But everybody is a business woman and a mother. I’m like “Get the fuck out of here really? All of New York is working and their parents, you’re not the only one.”
But What About My Daughter?
Heather is a little annoying. “Oh I’m married to a Jew and whatever.” It doesn’t matter. See, all the good Jews are marrying goyem. Look at Sonja, she was married to a Jew. And what about Luann’s boyfriend? Jacques or whatever. He’s Jewish. And it looks very hot and heavy so they might get married. They either marry, like Zuckerman, Asian women or goyem. Jewish women today have nobody to marry. Three people, Moishe, Chaim and Yosi.
I read the Sunday Times, 50 percent of Jewish men getting married, you see Reverend Jones and Rabbi Chaim are marrying them. “Woah, you also married a goy?” What the hell is that? Who the hell is gonna marry my daughter? *Laughter.*And there you have it… Til next week. MC