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Hugh Jackman? No. Hugh Jtalent.

This new behind-the-scenes video is IT. I had to shave my legs all over again. This is my Avengers, my Titanic, my 50 Shades of Les.

And while I still think my Marius interp is the best there is (sorry Eddie “Nudelips” Redmayne), I’m not going to lie and say I’m not already lined up for Les Misérables wearing my filthiest do rag while mopping the sidewalk in front of the Arclight. The movie is out December 25, which is great news for me, a Jew. See you all there.

A Few Thoughts On The New Les Miserables Trailer (With Video)

1. Let’s be real, if Homeless Hugh Jackman knocked on my front door, I don’t know how eager I’d be to let him get knuckle-deep in my hummus (not a euphamism, shockingly), and I don’t even OWN anything of any value.

2. I don’t remember any whitewater rafting in the stage show, not including what was pouring out of my eyeholes.

3. Can someone please isolate Javert screaming “Jean Valjean!” with that horse whinny because *bring bring* Hello New Ringtone!

4. A very small part of me is almost happy Anne Hathaway is playing Fantine. In case she butchers it, you know she’ll be making her exit somewhere between minute :30-:40. (BTW they could put a mule in a wig and call her Fantine and it’s a guarantee I will still break down in tears by the time it hits “but the tigers come at night.”)

5. Amanda Seyfried is a living Geocities website. Seriously, that voice screams MIDI FILE.

6. Eponine is a little Hot Topicy but I’m guessing she will probably have the best voice (after my dear Boy From Oz) in the film.

7. How do horses get cast in movies? Like, do they even know what’s happening is fake? Or are they in revolution character on and OFF the set, Danny D Lewis style? I would hate to be around those horses at the craft services table.

8. Russell Crowe will be the source for 97 percent of my second-hand embarrassment throughout the movie.

9. The Runaway Cart was expertly cast, however.

10. ONE DAY MORE. FULL CHILLS. I remember what its like to feel again.

11. Gavroche’s wig will face some tough comeptition from Tommy Lee Jones’ wig in Lincoln at the Oscars next year.

12. Forget 1-11 Above: Even with all its flaws, this is my Titanic. I will probably see it hundreds of times in the theaters and not give a shit what anyone thinks. (But seeeeriouslyeeeee dontjudgeme.)

The Real Question: What am I going to wear to the midnight showing of this on Christmas Eve? Honestly, I would look amazing as either Mme. Thernardier or “Busty Marius” (who is in my vocal range sweet spot.) I’m open to your thoughts.

Love,
Les Micherables

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imageWhat follows is my mother’s reaction to the movie Argo, as told to me via telephone this morning: “So last night Daddy tells me Argo is in Pay-Per-View. ‘Argo is on Pay-Per-View? What? I have to see the movie that wins ever award! Berlin! Cannes! I have to see it so I’ll be up on the Oscars!’ And I couldn’t believe it. How many movies have you seen with hostages? How many? And the whole movie he never cracked a smile, Ben Affleck. I don’t know, maybe the glue was too thick with his beard, so he couldn’t move his face. They call it a Rhode Island Lockjaw. You know, when you barely move your lips and you talk. He barely moved his eyes left, right and sideways. If this movie is going to win then Les Mis should win the Diamond Oscars! (Ed. Note: Not a real award.) The hell with the Oscars. The mistake that idiot Hooper, Tom Hooper made with Les Mis was not taping the songs in the studio. Do it in the studio! Do it professionally! This is the technology you have now, and I have to listen to this stupidity? But that Argo, I almost fell asleep. When Alan Arkin said ‘Argo Fuck Yourself’? OK, the first time it was cute. Then John Goodman says it, then they all do. ‘Argo Fuck Yourself’? I don’t find it funny I saw this Argo, I’m thinking ‘What is the commotion about this movie?’ I’m not getting it. Even the acting! Then they’re showing how the actors all look like the real hostages. So, big deal. So what? That Garber guy? I like him too, but he just played an Ambassador. Was he so great? I’m not getting it, seriously I’m not. I tell you from a directional point of view what was good were the street scenes in Tehran, when the Iranians went crazy, when they broke through the gate. But you can see it in 50 other movies about the Middle East, so there was nothing fresh here. Yeah it’s a true story. Yeah, even on the plane when they’re congratulating each other, give me a break. I want you to revisit it. A Gornisht mit Gornisht. And I was so excited!”

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